DEALING WITH UNWANTED “HELP”
Written by Ania Small
In the first part of this article, I defined teaching on the mat, or “helping”, as offering verbal or non-verbal suggestions to a training partner, when you are not a teacher of the class, and when you are not asked for them. I talked about how it can negatively impact students and the dojo as a whole. I also described different types of “helping” on the mat, including verbal instruction, nonverbal teaching such as shutting down partner’s movement, and more subtle forms like pointing where to throw etc. In more extreme cases, “helping” on the mat could take form of abuse of power, or bullying, especially if there is a power differential between the partners. Although it’s a universal issue, women tend to be on the receiving end of it more often. I talked about teaching on the mat as both an individual and systemic problem. In looking at possible strategies to deal with it, I will talk about responding to teaching, making a decision in the moment whether to “help”, and about systemic strategies for preventing it.
IDEAS ABOUT RESPONDING TO TEACHING ON THE MAT:
I have personally tried different approaches over the years. At the beginning, I’d get upset and ignore it. That didn’t work, because I’d carry the bad feeling even after class, and I’d tend to avoid the “helper” on the mat. I tried saying “thank you, but I don’t learn by talking”, but that left room for “showing”, and still left me rattled. A while ago, Marsha Turner Sensei, shared with me a phrase she frequently used. It was “thank you, but I need to figure it out for myself”. I used it several times, but found that I didn’t want to thank the “helper”, and since I was upset, the sentence was too long for my voice not to show it. What I came up with is addressing it with a very brief statement such as “please stop”, or “I don’t want help”, as soon as it happens. Sometimes saying “thank you”, or “sorry” can create confusion or an opening for the “helper”. Saying it in an assertive, confident and brief way every time “helping” happened, has worked best for me. I believe that it should be done immediately, and every time it happens. Wendy Whited Sensei shared with me that her way of dealing with coaching is to start moving faster, making it impossible for the “helper” to talk. “I simply threw him every round and never gave him chance to throw me. He decided to shut up after that.”
Teachers, as well as seniors can empower students to speak up, when unwanted teaching, or abuse of power happens. Standing up to a bully can be a very valuable lesson. Being aware that the dojo culture supports that communication, can make it easier for a student to deal with the issue sooner. It would help avoid a “foot in the door” phenomenon, when a little of teaching is tolerated, which opens the door to an ongoing instruction. Another approach is for teachers to encourage the person who tends to “help” others on the mat to focus on their training goals. Sometimes a student really wants to teach, although they are not ready to do so, and it might be helpful to delineate a path for them that could help them focus on their own practice. It might highlight the reasons why they are being “helpful”. Imposing their ideas on others might be a misguided need to be recognized and admired, which might be met better by improving their Aikido.
DECIDING WHETHER TO “HELP” OR NOT. Here is what Bill Gleason Sensei told me about his approach: “when I attend seminars today, I try not to offer any help, other than good ukemi, unless I’m asked, and even then try to say as little as possible”. In other words, a rule of thumb: don’t offer help, unless you’re asked. If you do, keep it to a minimum, addressing just the question asked. I would add, check with yourself that your answer is not self-serving (to impress, feel superior, exert power, or take a break from moving when you’re tired etc.). If your partner asks a question, you can try to answer non-verbally and guide them with your ukemi, unless it’s a simple, one word answer (if the question is for example “are we doing omote or ura?”. If it’s more complicated, seek out the class teacher, especially if the class is small, or offer to work on it after class. If you practice with someone after class, keep lecturing to a minimum, and focus on the movement. So the decision tree around teaching could be something like that: am I being asked, what’s my agenda in responding to the question, could it be addressed concisely, is the teacher available, can it be addressed after class?
There are definitely some grey areas here. Sometimes we might act confused, or frustrated with a technique, or a concept the teacher wants us to apply. It might be read by our partner as an invitation to “help”, and alleviate our distress. Again, if there is no direct question, it’s better to assume that your partner can handle a level of discomfort connected to learning and applying new information, and they can do it themselves. Jumping in would be taking away that opportunity. Keep in mind that a simple question does not mean an ongoing invitation for teaching. It only applies to this specific situation.
With that said, there might be people, who are authorized by the teacher to offer help on the mat. They are assistant teachers in the class, and helpful, especially in a large class. I propose that it should be made clear to them and to students, to avoid others taking on the role of “helpers”. The expectations are then clear, and the teaching on the mat does not spread, and become everyone teaching each other.
ADDRESSING TEACHING ON THE MAT THROUGH DOJO CULTURE:
In the first part of this article, I mentioned that teaching on the mat could sometimes be just a case of lack of knowledge of dojo etiquette, and expectations of what being a good training partner entails. ASU handbook has following guidelines regarding this topic: “Respect those less experienced. Do not pressure your ideas on others. Do not attempt to correct or instruct your training partner, unless you’re authorized to do so. Keep talking on the mat to absolute minimum.” Going over these with new dojo members may be a way to make sure everyone is familiar with the expectations. I used to be hesitant to enforce the “one teacher on the mat” rule, thinking that it might be perceived as an “ego trip”. After all, I’m saying the only one who’s allowed to teach during my class is me. Perhaps explaining why, and highlighting the difference between being truly helpful to one’s partner by taking good ukemi, and teaching, would help make the message more clear.
Mary Heiny Sensei told me, that when she opened her dojo in Seattle she “worked to establish a culture of everyone doing what the teacher did, without talking, during class. Then, after class students could work on what they wanted. If a nage was getting stopped over and over by uke, I encouraged everyone to get the attention of the teacher to get help. Worked mostly but not always. It is an ongoing issue”. She suggests that if speaking up to a person “helping” doesn’t stop the behavior, there should be a clear procedure to follow, for example: “the affected person talking to their partner, talking to a senior student, mediated interaction if necessary, and finally, the chief instructor “laying down the law”. As she said “we are westerners in America, not Japanese in Japan. We can do this type of thing.”
Senior students can play an important role in creating a positive dojo culture, since they are the models for newer people. A healthy dojo environment is where senior students are focused on their own learning, challenge each other, and support beginners by being good training partners, and offering practice, when asked, after class. Dan Messico Sensei, at the end of his seminars encourages the senior members of the dojo to be an example to their juniors by taking good ukemi for everyone. It is a much better way of helping newer students to grow, than verbal instruction.
Teachers are also models of behavior on the mat. We need to examine our own interactions with students, to ensure they are respectful and facilitate learning. Teaching gives us a certain degree of power. We demonstrate the technique or talk, while students sit seiza and look up at us. We need to be careful to not take advantage of it. It requires an ongoing awareness and introspection. Is what and how I’m teaching helping a student to grow? Should I let them work through it before I offer a solution? What is my agenda in correcting someone? The list can be pretty long. I used to say something while teaching, and then say it again in a different way (maybe since English is not my first language), to make sure it was understood. I’m trying not to do that now, so I won’t model over-explaining and talking on the mat. I want to respect students’ ability to figure things out and ask questions when needed. I’m also avoiding showing what not to do, which suggests the “right” and the “wrong way”, and could be disrespectful to class participants.
I believe that a teacher, who models a fluid mindset in learning, rather than presenting himself or herself as someone who’s gained mastery, can be more successful in facilitating exploration, and discouraging students from imposing their “fixed” knowledge on one another. I look up to teachers who are students themselves, and who talk about their learning process, including even mistakes they’ve made along the way. Peer feedback between the teachers within the dojo or organization could be helpful in accomplishing better insight and model fluid mindset. Asking students what they find more and less helpful in our teaching could be another manifestation of mutually respectful teaching relationship.
I became increasingly aware while writing this article how important and upsetting the issue of teaching on the mat was to me. Although venting to my Aikido friends over the years helped me feel supported, it has not brought me closer to a solution. Writing this article created an opportunity to reach out to different Aikido teachers and friends, including Mary Heiny, Wendy Whited, Dan Messisco, Bill Gleason, Guy Hagen, Lee Crawford, Penny Sablove, Gary Small and Rob Morrison, who provided me with helpful feedback and information. I hope that I was able to communicate why teaching on the mat is problematic, and to contribute to finding ways to address it. As Penny Sablove said to me: talking about it IS part of the solution. I hope we can continue the conversation.
I’d like your thoughts on this topic. I’d love to hear how others deal with this, and would really appreciate your reactions to some solutions I’ve suggested. Hopefully the dialogue can help us address the issue of “helpful” training partners. Thanks for reading.
Ania Small teaches at Aikido of Maine and holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology
Hi Ania, this is a pet peeve of mine as well. We have such a small dojo that it’s never an issue among ourselves; that makes it even more startling when a visitor presumes to “teach” when joining one of our classes. Last time it happened, I told the guy: “We like to say there is only one teacher on the mat at a time”. I wasn’t instructing that day, so it was peer-based feedback, and stopped the behavior immediately. I think he was very embarrassed, even though I only said it loud enough for him to hear, and continued practicing with him. Clearly, it was food for thought, as his intentions were to be helpful and he didn’t realize his actions were arrogant. Thanks for your article!
I’m so glad my aikido experience over the last thirty or more years has been much more fun and easygoing on this topic!
This should be a small problem, that will happen to everyone from time to time, but
that can be easily resolved by students or if necessary sensei.
Hi! As an older person of 55 and a “westerner” lol, I found these 2 articles interesting. Mostly from the perspective of trying to learn this “art”. I find my self needing the verbalization from my senior partner and therefore ask for it. I find it frustrating when I get the silence treatment. But guess what, nothing will happen in these cases where my question is not answered. It usually happens when it comes to the opening move that I just witnessed being presented to the class. It’s hard for me to either visualize the proper stance due do the covering from the hakima’s of the instructor, or the acoustics of the dojo and my diminished hearing, therefore we will both just stand there looking at each other until I get the answer from someone..
Some of these things that you’ve described in these articles could seem problematic, especially from a gender based point of view. And the gender view presents a certain sting given the recent politics of recent. Also, I do not think the article takes into account the individuals like myself that are of an older age starting this practice or who’s work schedules prevent a 5-6 day a week attendance. In the 1.3 yrs I’ve been studying, I’ve had nothing but a great deal of respect for my instructors, both male and female, and the same goes for my practice partners. But, I will say, that I do consider a persons gender when I practice with them and they become the uke. I exercise more caution when applying the techniques due to the different mass of physiology involved. This mostly applies towards the female, and of course some males, but not so much in the latter.
Hi Odysseus, the difference is that you’re asking for a verbal explanation (perhaps being an auditory learner). I come from a very different perspective, as a kinesthetic learner, when the words just go over my head. Often, when I listen to a teacher talk, I try to put it in my body and try to incorporate it to my movement. As far as treating women practitioners different, I have to say that I always appreciated when the partner treated me the same as a male attacker.
Is this not a bit to harsh on the difference there are in practicing aikido. Where is the room left for students to discover the moves together. Often ‘helping’ is a way to discover the more suptle elements involved in a practice, and often these elements are related to a uke ‘s specific personal differences. So ‘helping’ is in my experence helping the uke as well. Just taking ukemi is letting a beginner practise the movements required but does not let him in to the more ‘advanced’ aspect. Often with the motivation that ‘ he or she is not up to is yet’. Wich a think is uther nonsence.
Hi Arch, I am talking about “helping” that’s not wanted and a dojo culture that consists of people teaching each other on the mat. I believe that it’s teacher’s role to teach. If there are designated teachers assistants, especially in a larger class, that’s a different story. I’m advocating clarity: is the help wanted and is the person qualified to teach.
i understand your wish for clarity. but is this not a very fromal aproach in wich a very traditional hyarchie should provide clarity? and yes there is unwanted help but at the same time, in my experience, even unwanted help provides a learning moment. and isn’t the way of aikido not to clash but to use wat is coming to you? even in the form of unwanted help.
It’s really tricky. I think either way it’s helpful to check if the teaching is welcome. I guess that makes it less hierarchical and traditional
Thanks for addressing this very important issue!
Hi, everybody!
It appeared to be “The helping on the mat” topic is a hot, as soon as there are so many thoughts and responses to it.
As a newbie to AOM dojo and to Aikido, in general, I would welcome any help in mastering my moves on the mat. Even from 6 kyu holders, if we practicing Shomenuchi ikkyo irimi-nage or Munetski kote-gaeshi (assuming that 6 kyu students are good enough in practicing those techniques, after passing 6 kyu test). What is the point, if I will be doing 10 consequent moves wrong way, while my more-advanced partner would not correct me right at the beginning of our exercise?
It does nothing good to me or to my partner as well. Considering the possibility of physical body damages due to wrong practicing – slight corrections of the partner’s moves might be a just necessity.
To the matter of trying to “shut down” techniques of nuge- I also think that it is a reflexive response of the body, followed by the willingness to understand what this technique is about and how effective it is. I found myself in doing such things once in awhile and unconsiously. Please, do not take it personally. In no means, it was considered as a challenge.
From the other hand, the importance of having Sensei in a comfort zone is very significant to all of us. This is the base for our joyful and efficient training.
Ania, taking into consideration, that this is your business, your dojo, your “baby”, I assume you have all rights and power to set any rules you want us to follow to keep you happy. You just say – ” In my dojo:
– Nobody talks on the mat, but me,
– The knots on a belt must be right-hand tied, instead of left-hand 🙂
– The sun rises in the West (well, maybe not to that extreme:))
And so be it, I guess. Those who like/accept this – stay and have fun. Those who do not like this – walk.
Maybe, reminding general rules on the mat at the beginning of every class will help you to keep our memories fresh and our reflexes down.
Also, I would put on the walls of the lockerrooms little posters
(caricatures?) with your rules and expectations. Just as a reminder, because we all come to class under our own daily “trances”, so it would be a good kick to remind us where we are. But this is when the vision of your personal comfort zone on the mat will take some reasonable shape.
Hope, it makes any sense.
HiJev, I am referring to unwanted help, and trying to make sure nobody at our dojo feels uncomfortable with it. You can always ask more advanced students for help. If it’s easy, they can try to answer simply in class, or could work with you after. If it’s an issue of safety, I think it’s important to speak up. I wrote the articles to help me articulate something I’ve been feeling over the years. I also tried to do it to help people be clear about the dojo etiquette. It’s not so easy for me to enforce rules and tell people what to do, so the lists and reminders might not be my thing.
Great posts. Being a smaller individual on the mat, I’ve found myself intimidated by larger senior students when I did not understand a technique. Through that I’ve experienced “being taught” on the mat with visual cues (though I’m sure very well intended) which was not beneficial for any party involved as I am not a visual learner. This brings a better understanding of how to be an active student. Thank you greatly.
I really enjoyed both of your articles, Ania.
I have often very much appreciated a little friendly help, on the tatami, and have also often helped other people who didn’t know what to do. However, I prefer to focus on my own learning, and to let my training partner do the same. I try to be a good uke for my partners, as I think that gives them the opportunity to feel what works and what doesn’t – and I like my partners to do the same for me.
When I have helped people, verbally or non-verbally, they have seemed to like it. They have certainly not seemed uncomfortable or frustrated; and most people who have helped me have done it in a friendly, respectful way, which I really liked. But I have also experienced the kind of “teaching” you are referring to, and it is very unpleasant. I have felt disrespected, when on the receiving end of it, and my emotional reactions have varied between feeling mildly irritated, frustrated, upset – and sometimes very angry.
I think it’s not so much the actual “teaching”, as the attitude and intention of the student who does it. I get the strong impression from certain people that they have decided that they are superior to me, and their intention is to make me feel inferior to them. It’s about their status in the dojo, not about being helpful. The teacher has the highest status, therefore they think of teaching as a means of gaining status for themselves.
It can be difficult to deal with this as a student – and I suppose that, for a teacher, it’s difficult to prevent or stop it, in your dojo.
Maybe it would help to deal compassionately with the offender? As well as encouraging students to call you over if they are having a problem of this kind with their partner, perhaps you could also try to help the “superior” student to develop a sense of his/her intinsic worth, which is not based on comparison to others?
Not easy to do! But as my Sensei says: Enjoy the difficulty!
Thanks again for the article,
Fiona.
Thanks Fiona, I totally agree!
Great article Ania! Thanks for diving into this subject. Since I started practising Aikido Ive had, and still do, to deal with this kind of “help” or “teaching”. Im 1st kyu, from Argentina and here being a woman on the mat seems to give men (and some women as well) the right to impose their practise even if Im their sempai. It doesnt happen always but it is an issue for me, and my way of facing this I believe is not very good for my practise because when I had to face some 4th kyu trying to tell me something, I would shut them up by doing the technique a little quicker or harder for them to struggle (never hurting anyone though, or being evil, I mean I would throw them with more weight or move faster so they would struggle as uke) and with my sempais or guys who have my same rank, first I would try to do the same thing as the lower rank practisers that try to teach and if that doesnt stop them then I would just stare at them waiting for them to stop explaining so we could continue practising. But for me the hardest is when you are doing the technique and they start to move your body to correct you, there I would stop and just stand waiting for the other person to finish what they are “trying to show” (this are one or two people at my dojo).
I do ask for help to my teachers or my sempais when we are practising, I ask questions all the time, I need it like everyone being a kyu, Im talking about people who would stop training to show you stuff they dont even know, or sempais who would disaprove what you are doing and start shutting down my movement as nage when you didnt ask for help. I believe aikido is a continuos road where you are always learning about yourself and others, and ego sometimes shutters people soul.
But I also have to say that this behaviours are very common here and that it doesnt only happen to me, I can see it happening to other kyus and even between hackamas, so the issue is not only about being a women (even though its more common to see this behaviour towards women), I believe that has more to do with my culture maybe or my dojo. I dont know for sure.
Anyway, sorry for the long post just wanted to share my story as you asked for, thank you very much for adressing this subject and thank you for writing your methods I ll try them, and start speaking up in a respectful manner.
Hi Micaela, I know, it’s totally different if you yourself ask for help. I started practicing in Poland, and every time i go back (and maybe because people don’t know me), I get taught frequently. I recently went to a 40th anniversary of Aikido there, and a guy “taught me” how to grab his wrist, even before I had a chance to do that. So maybe it’s also cultural? Thanks for writing!