UNWANTED “HELP” ON THE MAT
PART ONE
By Ania Small
As a woman training a martial art, I’ve been on the receiving end of teaching, or what I will also call here “helping” on the mat, many times. I will define it as offering verbal or non-verbal suggestions to a training partner, when you are not a teacher of the class, and when you are not asked for them. I decided to write about it, after noticing some subtle forms of “helping” even in our own dojo in Maine. I’ve talked to others over the years, who find teaching on the mat personally upsetting, and problematic on a larger scale. Being frustrated with an interaction on the mat can influence how we feel about our partner, the dojo, or even the art of Aikido, therefore I think it’s an important problem to address. I’m writing this as an Aikido student, a woman who experienced being taught on the mat, and now a teacher, partially responsible for creating a healthy atmosphere at the dojo. My goal is to better understand the phenomenon of teaching on the mat, and to find some solutions. Part one will focus on exploring the “helping” and different forms it takes, and part two will be dedicated to possible strategies of dealing with it.
Mary Heiny Sensei shared with me her experience of training in Japan. No one taught on the mat other than the teacher. When early on she was having a frustrating time with Shihonage, and asked her training partner for help, in her words “the poor man looked surprised and alarmed. Then he swung his own arm in the direction I should go and said nothing. The time to ask for help was after class.” Even though there was no verbal instruction, the other forms of exerting influence on the partner were present. She recalls that sometimes her partners, frequently more experienced and male would try to shut her down, and she had to struggle out of it. “I learned from this, that doing that to an uke just prevented anything useful from happening. It was a form of bullying.”
Wendy Whited Sensei said: “”One can teach or one can train, you cannot do both. You either focus on yourself and what needs to be improved, or you focus on worrying about what the other person is doing. Coatings mostly done so you can convince yourself you know something. It is really not about helping anyone else. At Hombu there is no coaching allowed”. Uchideshi would say “Only the teacher is teaching here. Not you!”
Here, in the US the rule of “one teacher on the mat”, and “no talking” are not as obvious and grounded in the culture as in Japan, which opens the door to all forms of teaching on the mat, including verbal instruction. There is also confusion around what it means to be a good training partner, because of our cultural beliefs about helping others. For that reason, I believe that it’s important to explore and clarify the difference between a GOOD and a “HELPFUL” partner.
GOOD TRAINING PARTNER provides an honest ukemi (receiving the throw or a pin), with their energy dedicated to the moment of the interaction, and appropriate level of challenge. He or she is focused on their own practice, while adequately responding to their partner’s movement. The honesty of the ukemi is both physical and mental. Good training partner is focused on the movement and staying relaxed and connected to the person they’re working with. Their goal is to work on improving their own practice. As Dan Messisco Sensei says that ”the best way we can help others is through working on ourselves.The quality of our ukemi allows space for our partner to discover for themselves the appropriate path of reconciliation”.
Kevin Choate Sensei had a “shape nage” approach, when working with beginners. It was a non-verbal way of using your ukemi to have nage feel the shape that they were trying to get in the technique. It doesn’t impose teaching, but helps newer people experience the technique, and allows them to feel successful, taking away the stress and pressure of “making it work”.
“HELPFUL” OR TEACHING TRAINING PARTNER focuses on evaluating the other person, in order to give instruction. This can take many forms. One of them, unfortunately pretty common, is talking and giving advice on how to execute technique. Another is stopping other person’s movement (Kevin described it as “being attacked by a castle”, which in our dojo we now call “castling”), and moving only when the partner does the technique the way the “helpful” uke thinks it should be done. That description, I believe really captures the lack of usefulness of that kind of ukemi. Sometimes, “helpful” partner stops the technique, and suggests that their partner does the movement by themselves very slowly, mirroring the movement of the person “helping”. Personally, I find that form of teaching on the mat very frustrating. I remember being new to Aikido and having to stop my movement to look and copy another person. I found that it interfered with my learning process and didn’t match my style of learning through movement. Some of the forms of teaching could be very subtle, like gently placing partner’s hand on the elbow, where one thinks it should go, or pointing to the direction, where the “helper” thinks he should be thrown.
WOMEN ARE MORE OFTEN ON THE RECEIVING END OF HELPFULNESS THAN MEN. Although not all men, and not only men tend to teach on the mat, women often call it “mansplaining”. I’ve experienced “mansplaining” first hand even when I was teaching a class. After offering a simple suggestion to a male student, I was met with “let me tell you what I’m working on”, followed by a lengthy description. I believe, that sometimes men truly try to be “helpful” to women without realizing that it might be patronizing or unwelcome. It’s called “benevolent sexism”, and it’s based on perception that we need help. Some of us might reinforce it by looking unsure or thanking for help. Even when we try to ignore it or communicate that we don’t need the guidance, some men might not notice that the teaching is unwelcome. Sometimes it is really difficult to speak up when it seems that someone just wants to “help”. After all, we are socialized not to be confrontational. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that the teaching is upsetting to us, and at that point the pattern is established, and we have reinforced the behavior by listening, or even thanking our partner. In over thirty years of training, I’ve only witnessed women teaching on the mat twice. Both instances were in the dojos where the culture of instructing one another was quite prevalent, and a belief in “one right way of doing the technique” very strong. Maybe one of the reasons women tend to not teach on the mat, is that we are conditioned not to be too confident, and assume we are “right”, which works to our advantage in this case.
BEING TAUGHT ON THE MAT HAPPENS TO BOTH MEN AND WOMEN. Even though women might experience being taught on the mat more frequently, it is a universal issue, and many men end up on the receiving end of “help” as well. Most of the instances are between students of varied degree of experience, with more senior students teaching newer people, but “helping” peers happens as well, leading to uncomfortable feelings during practice. Seminars can be especially difficult, since you might not know your partner, and people can assume, especially if you’re a woman, that they have more experience. Some people don’t hesitate teaching anyone, beginner or instructor alike. Several years ago, I was training with Gleason sensei during an aikido camp. At some point, we were joined by a young guy, who immediately started instructing me. My first thought was, that he was “helpful” to a woman. When it was his and Gleason sensei’s turn to practice though, he continued his instruction. One of my high school teachers talked about dangers of reading only one book. It seems that beginners sometimes are faster to assume that “they know” how to do the technique correctly. Since the guy must have seen Gleason sensei teaching a class prior to the exchange, I often wondered how he thought about this, and what made him come to a conclusion that teaching in this situation was appropriate.
HOW DOES ONE DECIDE TO “HELP”. To decide to teach another student on the mat one probably needs to think “I know it”, my partner needs my “help”, and “my teaching is welcome”. There are a few problems with this line of thinking. Knowing a technique in aikido is not that straightforward. What might work for us, might not work for our partner. As Saotome Sensei says, application of aikido technique depends on a situation, space, the size and shape of our partner, and our own physicality. As far as deciding that another student needs help, assuming responsibility for one’s partner’s learning could be disempowering and patronizing. Offering “help” and not checking with the partner to see if they want the input is a real omission. Certain people, based on their personality, or set of beliefs might be more inclined to make an assumption that they know better, and therefore need to teach others, without making sure that their help is welcome.
BOUNDARY ISSUES. Teaching on the mat, without being asked for help, could be seen as a form of boundary violation. Some of the “helpful” behaviors, such as more advanced student shutting down beginner’s movement, a man instructing a woman without her asking for help, giving a little massage while doing a pin, or in more extreme cases, physical retaliation or disengagement (week attacks and lack of attention), when the “help” is not appreciated, to name a few, are an abuse of power. I think that it is really important for all of us, students and teachers to be aware of that. That awareness can help create a healthy dojo culture.
CHALLENGING VS SHUTTING DOWN. Sometimes, challenging and even testing one’s partner in an honest way can be confused with shutting down. While the first one is a necessary part of practice, especially as people gain experience, the second is a form of power play, and bullying. The challenge should not come though from an agenda of teaching the other, or trying to dominate or impress, but from a strong and honest and connected ukemi. That form of challenging each other is mutually agreed upon, while shutting down is one-sided. Focusing on proving that one’s partner technique does not work, rather than on own training, can create bad feelings in the dojo, and can slow people’s progress. If the “helper” focused on their own practice, and allowed their partner to learn in their own way, it would help them both grow.
INDIVIDUAL AND SYSTEMIC ISSUE. In talking to several Aikido teachers and friends as well as practitioners of other martial arts, I started looking at the problem of teaching on the mat as systemic, as well as individual one. In other words, some of the “helping” could be a problem of the system, in this case the dojo, a larger organization, or society in general, where that behavior is tolerated or even encouraged.
I hope that in our own dojos we can start working on transforming the culture, and eliminating the unwanted teaching. In Part Two of this article I will focus on looking for solutions on both the individual and systems level.
I would love to hear your reactions and comments. Thanks for reading.
Ania Small teaches at Aikido of Maine and holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology
Thank you. You have said just what my Sensei has said many times. She has called it shadow teaching. I have found myself doing it,and with My Sensei, Robinson Sensei help I have learned to not do it. It’s especially hard when you are hurt and sitting out the class and the new student (on the mat) ask you how to do what is being shown. It helps you grow in your own Aikido when you can practice with a new student and have them feel it rather then tell them how to do it.
Thanks Claire!
Hi Ania,
You are so right about the issue. I thought many years of Karate and my system was no talking, only watching. I showed a wrong way of standing for example, paused there for few moments for their eye to recognize bad standing (posture), then showed them the right way, again let them to see it well.
On the very first visit to Aikido, I found it very fake and pure art not Martial at all, until the instructor did a technique which remind me a piece of an advanced Kata. That was the only reason I began aikido, search, perhaps a research.
knowing above, I do not like giving it to partner, I am in the belief of an honest attack ( speed will very on the new comers). But problem is that most practitioners of aikido get stuck moving me. So they ask ( not sure of me or asking himself) ” why doesn’t this work)”. I usually ask, do you want me to tell you or do you want to try again. We try again, and still doesn’t work for them (I am not talking about beginers). If ok, I tell them, due to my size and …. you need to do this. When I tell them, I don’t not become helpful by faking it like many do including the instructors. I have so much experience feeling the instructor loosening up in order for me to feel good about the technique in which 2 sec. ago did not work. I used to tell the instructor ” you let go, last time you prevented me and now you are letting me.”
Yes, you are very correct on the idea of when I do my share as correctly as my body is for it, I get to improve myself and my partner appreciates it without getting hurt.
Anyhow, you brought up a very nice subject that needs to be discussed and defined. Instructors must (not should) set the tone and explain their own version of “help” when asking everyone to ” let’s teach one another and be helpful”.
Ania, my concern is that not everyone should teach and be called a sensei just because they have a black belt. Not even a high ranking black belt means the holder is capable of teaching. He/She could be a good practitioner but not a good teacher.
Looking forward to read part 2.
This is a good article of things which we should be aware; both beginners and veterans alike.
I’d like to add comment that all these interactions are part of our training and personal growth.
I’d also comment that, just like women have experiences associated with gender, men can have parallel issues too (with both women and other men).
I’d like to note that extra explanation and unsolicited ‘help’ may be necessary when working with new beginners because it is our responsibility to thoroughly orient them in the basics of technique.
Hi Brad, I’m just talking about the unwanted help, and teaching by other students on the mat. I believe that teacher can be the one that orients beginners. Most of the time the class isn’t huge. An I totally agree that men can be “helped” as well.
Thanks for your posting – it captures what has been true of my experience – receiving help from often very good people, holding good intentions that lead to functionally unhelpful behaviours on the training mat. I appreciate your description of it to register this as a shared phenomenon within aikido training. The only thing I would offer is my experience of trying to counter this, particularly with belt level peers. One tactic I have tried is to ask for multiple repetitions of technique without commentary to allow for focused time to work on some aspect of training. The other is to ask peers for training focus that allows for exploration to better understand functional structure, movement, intention, etc and less effective choices within the technique. Finally, I have just learned to allow that some training peers need there to be a “right” way – I have come to a place of holding training as “failing towards” more effective aikido.
Hi Cheryl, can you say more about asking for repetitions of technique? Are you asking your partner or teacher?
Nice work! We have talked about this many times, and I’m happy to see your article. I heard this from Dan Messico (I think): There are three people on the mat: Sensei, Uke, and Nage. If anyone of them doesn’t know their role, the system is F****ed. Also, if you are talking, you can’t hear your partner.
Hi Ania, and thank you for posting your thoughts. This is something I have struggled with over many years in both roles so I thought I would add my thoughts to the conversation. I’ve had many occasions where help has been offered unsolicited by my training partner, and I’ve been in situations where I’ve felt the urge to offer my help to someone I’m working with, and both instances can be difficult.
I understand the frustration that comes of having someone other than the sensei stop you in your tracks and tell you what you’re doing wrong, so it took me a long time to reconcile this with the other situation – being in a position where I can possibly help someone out. What I’ve found is that it’s possible to navigate this without the hard and fast rules that I think you are espousing. Unless I misread your intent, I think you’re basically saying that there is never a time during which anyone other than the sensei should be providing instruction, and I respectfully disagree – as would my sensei, who encourages a certain amount of interaction between senior and junior students in a cooperative manner.
The system that I have found works for me is simple – I do not offer advice or help unless I am directly asked. If I am not directly asked, I offer honest ukemi. That means I may wind up shutting someone down if they are not able to perform the technique in a way that actually causes me to move, but it does not mean that I move to stop them because I know what they are going to try – I find that to be an irritating habit of senior aikidoka sometimes. When it happens that nage is unable to move me, I will generally try to offer any non-verbal feedback I can so that they can feel where the resistance is, and I will stay connected as long as I can so that they can attempt to work with that connection to re-establish the technique.
If I am directly asked for help, I will attempt to answer, but always in as few words as possible, and only one time during a session – after that I think that the key lies in performing the technique as many times as possible to get a better feel for it.
And as to how I deal with the reversed situation – having Uke’s that shut me down, either because I’m doing the technique poorly and it’s not working or because they’re moving themselves to be able to block it by virtue of knowing what I’m about to do, the answer is also simple – I thank them.
I used to feel as you do – that they had no business trying to tell me anything, and that only sensei should be doing that. And then I realized that my ego was preventing me from being able to take in what could be very helpful feedback. As you’ve said, there isn’t just one way to do Aikido – there are many, so rather than take your position that only one person can teach me, I have embraced the concept that everyone can teach me. Sometimes I evaluate their help and disregard because it isn’t right for me, but other times I may find a nugget of wisdom that helps me unlock something I’ve been working on for some time, so in all cases I try to approach training with an open mind. Even in the case where it is someone that stops me because they know what’s coming – there is something to learn. If they move energy to stop you from what you are doing because they know what you were told to do, then adapt to their changes by changing your own movement, even if it means performing a different technique.
Ultimately, I think that the best approach is to treat your partners, your sensei, the dojo and the art of Aikido itself respectfully, with an open mind and an open heart. I’ve found that by letting my ego go, I don’t feel the need to try to teach others (unless they ask specifically) and I don’t feel the need to be offended when other try to teach me. I simply enjoy training and I am thankful for the assistance that all of my partners provide.
Cheers
Hi Joe, this is great. I actually totally agree with you. I’m posting a follow up to this article (pat two) where I’m sharing some thoughts similar to yours. Yes, I’m aware that my ego is involved when I’m being helped without me asking for it, and there is definitely learning there, but I’m trying to find a way to prevent a dojo atmosphere where there is a lot of talking and forcing ideas on one another.
Absolutely agree Joe. That’s the way to do it.
Setting aside the ego, and beginning each and every repetition with an joyful and loving spirit does wonders for this common problem, in both directions.
And if that’s not Aikido I don’t know what is.
Thank you for this thoughtful article. Just as a note, I’ve been training in Japan for ten years and in some dojo there is no talking at all and in others quite a bit of “helping” goes on. However, in those cases, the help has never been loud or disruptive to other students. Of course, this is only from my experiences.
Thanks Jory, I wonder if things have changed in Japan in relationship to the “one teacher on the mat” and “no talking rules”? I wonder what the differences between these dojos are?
I concur. I’m training in Japan and in my school (that operates many dojo in Kyushu), “helping” is approved and encouraged by our dojo-cho, even verbally – although the rule is basically that only dan-level sempai may help lower level students. Sensei teaches, but dan-level sempai may help… if they want to (not all of them do). It can be through showing, including by ‘resisting’ the technique, or through verbal explanations. However, this being Japan, the ambient noise level is always low, even where we are 100 on the mats.
Because by definition I always find myself on the “being helped” end, I can say that 90% of the time, my sempai have always been kind, respectful and helpful. The language barrier is significant, so words are not so useful with me. I’m a woman and a vast majority are male, but I’ve never felt any sexism in their attitude… When there had been problems, it was usually with a couple of people that grate on the nerves of everyone for many reasons. I think that our dojo-cho and all instructors take great care to insist on the open-mind, open-heart aspect of Aikido, in general and especially on the mats among us.
Great article!! the key for the whole issue is “unsolicited”. I may be in the minority but I ASK my training partner to let me know what is working and NOT to take ukemi unless it is warranted. As a newcomer to Aikido ( but not to martial arts) I struggle with the use of force and strength and I seek out training partners who are more skilled and who are willing to explain their understanding of the practice. There is one member of our dojo in particular who is small and slight but whose skill at the minute aspects of each technique ALWAYS helps me learn. This sempai tolerates my questions. As a professional educator of adults for many years, I have learned that everyone has a different learning curve and A DIFFERENT WAY OF LEARNING….. some are visual…some are auditory…some are physical. While I agree there is only one Sensei on the mat; to ignore the differences in learning styles is to fail as a teacher
Thanks for the article. Full of good thoughts. I’ve trained in a number of dojos over the years, and the standard rule of thumb is, no talking, especially at seminars. However, in my home dojos, my senseis expect me, as a senior student, to help and correct newer members, especially if they are doing something dangerous. I also think that a lot of time and frustration can be saved if a brief correction can be made. What I do find frustrating and objectionable is when a junior student “corrects” a more senior student. Even if that junior student happens to be correct, it shows(to me)just bad form, and possibly poor training. But, at such times, I just say “thank you”, too; though, I have mentioned to some (if I thought they might be open to it) that correcting anyone senior to themselves shouldn’t be done. Anyway, just my thoughts….Thanks.
Thank you very much for addressing this disease in practice. Unfortunately I have been on both sides of the “helping”. And especially in Japan I was getting a lot of “help” I didn’t needed and didn’t asked for. 😉
Now as a teacher, I am so happy if I get to train that I don’t even feel the urge of wasting time by explaining to my partner. And if someone want to explain the right way of performing Ikkyo omote to me I laugh about it.
best regards and all the best for your Dojo
Max
Maybe we could try a system in which one would wear a visible marker on his-her GI. Let’s say green: “help welcome!”, orange: “just want to practice” and red: “challenge accepted”… What do you think?
I think this is where competitive martial arts, or boxing has an advantage over Aikido. In competitive martial arts, there is no illusion that your partner is there to defeat you, and either what you know works, or it doesn’t. If your technique is ineffective, you will know right away! In Aikido, there is the “no competition” rule, yet this article is not the first I’ve read where there is obviously a lot of competition on the mat, and mats everywhere. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a dojo where someone hasn’t tried to “jam” my technique, or “shut down,” as Ania expressed it, and I’m sure I’m guilty as sin of doing the same. I hate to sound nihilistic, but maybe it’s like trying to train a scorpion not to bite? Maybe it’s just part of our human nature to “win,” whether it’s winning a match, or whether it’s “winning a technique?” So we can preach to people not to be tight, or not to compete, or not to do this or that, but it creeps in to our practice and since it is instinctual and unconscious, we don’t even realize we’ve been doing it. And maybe, this is why we self-segregate ourselves and find the martial art or dojo that suits our personalities?
On the gender issue that Ania touched on, I wonder if anyone has ever explored a female only class? I know that there are many colleges that are female only, and the students there rave about how the atmosphere is much more rewarding and fulfilling than co-ed college. You might be onto something that could really “take off?”
Miss you guys, hope all is well. Have to get up to Maine at some point.
Steve
Two things Steve…
1.. I agree that it is probably our human nature to be competitive and to want to win. I strongly recognize this tendency in myself and this is the exact reason why I train in Aikido! I want to be more compassionate and less competitive so I practice Aikido to help polish these traits. I have friends who train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Love it. They love the competition of it. I can see how i would really enjoy that too, however, I really don’t want to strengthen that aspect of my personality. You get good at what you practice, right?
And 2… in regards to Women’s only training, my home dojo, Aikido Of Santa Cruz in CA, actually hosts a Women’s Seminar every spring. It’s co-taught by the head of our dojo, Linda Holiday Sensei and Penny Sablove Sensei who heads up Heart Of San Francisco Aikido. We often have about 50 women from all over who come to train for the whole day. It’s an amazing experience to share the mat with so many women from very beginners to high ranking black belts with decades of experience. For any women interested, this year’s event will take place on April 8th.
At our dojo the Yudansha are told that there is only one instructor, the Sensei teaching the class. We all try very hard just to train when on the mat in a nonteaching role. Sometimes this is very difficult when students are doing things that can hurt themselves or others. So there is a fine line, but I too try to offer assistance only when asked. Even then, I’ll first attempt to get the instructor’s attention so he/she can assist the student. In a large class or seminar however, it becomes much harder to get the Sensei’s attention leading to frustration from kyu ranks so, some help is warranted, if asked for.
We also insist that there is no patronizing or special treatment for any student unless there are injury issues. So women train with men in exactly the same manner and intensity according to their ability level which is determined by rank. So the women go through the ranks just like the men and are treated exactly the same. There will never be a women only class at our dojo as that fosters self delusion. This policy may have cost us some students,maybe, but we keep the training real for the benefit of all students, both male and female.
IME newer students (and sometimes experienced ones!) need reminding about the basic principles – they can learn to do the ‘shape’ of the technique, but if there is no connection and they do not affect uke’s balance then there is no Aikido! A simple suggestion ‘you need to take my balance’ can make all the difference between repeated failure and frustration and a ‘lightbulb’ moment where it all comes together. If the student has no idea how to do this, then you call Sensei over!
Thanks for the article, Ania! For a beginner like me, this is helpful insight into dojo culture and etiquette. When starting out, you try to follow everyone else’s example, without necessarily knowing who is modeling good behavior and who is not. This discussion gives a better idea of where the boundaries should fall between training and instructing.
Different things helps different people. I agree to avoid “helping” first and foremost because we have an ego and it always wants something back, to be acknowledged. If you see someone doing something you think is wrong, give that person the gift of learning through mistakes. give them the gift of experiencing the full range of possibilities. Keep in mind also that they may be experimenting with a new understanding of something, something new to them or to the both of you. give them the space. No one owes you “the right technique”. if you let go of your ego, you will discover the amazing world of play between partners, of subtle unspoken exchange. it’s pure magic. but it only happens when both partners have left their ego off the matt.
We try very hard in our dojo to make it clear that there is only one instructor,the Sensei teaching the class! We have a saying; don’t talk, just train. The policy of only offering assistance when asked is a good one, but even then, the first course of action should be to try and get the instructor’s attention first to help the student before offering assistance. However, at a seminar or a large class this approach may not be practical, particularly if a yudansha sees a student who’s doing something that could injure him/herself or their partner.
We also have a policy that all students are treated exactly the same. So, women train with men based on their ability level as determined by rank. If you’re first kyu you’ll be treated as such and train accordingly. So, there’s no such thing as a women’s only class as we consider that patronizing and an exercise in self deception. By the way, I’ve never seen an example in my organization(AWA) of a male instructor acting in an inappropriate way while teaching female students; no massages, special treatment etc. And if that did happen, that individual teacher would be admonished and corrected immediately.
I am wondering how much “help” people should be getting during open mat times. What role if any should a fellow students feedback have during open mat?
I think it’s always safe to ask if your partner needs help. If the open mat is to prepare for tests, then by definition, if you’re one of the senior students you should help.
Great article. Cooper Sensei